As a person with anxiety, and quite honestly even as a person without it, it is hard to find friends who are willing to consistently stay in your life. For one “reason” or another, they just can’t. When those friends walk out, it is devastating. But of course when these friendships end, they do just that: they end. There is no discussing it. There is no trying to work through it. There is just a friendship and then there is not. There is always a reason, however strong or true it may or may not be, there is always a reason. We are told that reason and then that is it. We can do no more. We are left without a friend and they move on with their lives, their hands washed of us and our anxiety. We, on the other hand, are left with a lot of words to say, and no one left to say them to. So here are a few things I would like to say.
You did not love me. You loved the person who was able to have fun and do crazy things with you when I wasn’t suffering from debilitating anxiety. Sorry, but that person is not always me. My anxiety is also a part of me and it always will be.
You began to think I owed you something. As if the time you spent with me was worth favors and jobs that you tried to classify as something friends just “do” – something I was supposed to do. I did not and do not owe you a single thing. Real friends don’t do that.
You blamed me. You made me feel like I am a bad person. You told me that I am too much for you. I didn’t treat you like a friend. I used you. I put too much pressure on you. I asked too much of you. My anxiety and the repercussions of that were too hard on you. I am a bad person. I am a bad person. I am a bad person.
But do you want to know the worst thing? You made me believe you. I believed I am a bad person, a bad friend. I believed I am too much for people. I believed that I’m not fun, that I don’t treat my friends right or do enough for them. I believed that I deserve to be left behind. I believed that I am not a person worth fighting for. I believed that I had truly caused you to walk away. I believed everything was my fault; that I do not deserve to have good friends. You turned this thing that I already feel terrible about having into something that could destroy me.
But it didn’t. Because you chose to walk away because you weren’t strong enough. And that’s okay. But I am not a bad person and I will not be treated like one. You did me a favor in walking away. And I hope you never look back.